Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
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[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg