It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
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[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️