6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
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[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
me, too, girl. me, too.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler