Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
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My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.