My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
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I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
That’s amazing.
Twitter fine art
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993