This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
You Might Also Like
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.