“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
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One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
sistine chapel
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Coffee is ready.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
somebody come look at this
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…