Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
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If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I’m crying im so happy for them
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.