ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
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Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.