No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
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*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
My neck my back my allergy attack
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work