I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
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don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Velcrow
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO