me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
You Might Also Like
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker