Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
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I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.