At Walmart during the holidays like..
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Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
She was REALLY feeling it.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Free him
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.