Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
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[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water