Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
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Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.