I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
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I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Yes, but it was never about money
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.