Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
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Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
North and South
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Extremely relatable.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*