Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
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1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
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Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour