Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
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DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
live long and prosper!
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display