Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
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My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling