pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
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*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?