me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
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It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
me adding lol on a serious message
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.