Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
You Might Also Like
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
How animals would run if they were human
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!