I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
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Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Customize Your Wedding.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.