Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
You Might Also Like
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Yes my dude
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
I put the hot in psychotic.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me