I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
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You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
taking June’s advice to heart
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis