I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
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My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
That’s fair
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.