[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
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Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house