[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
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[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Worst Native American name ever.