My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
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Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..