50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
You Might Also Like
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
I see your IQ test came back negative
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*