told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
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ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
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Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.