[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
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Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no