she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
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[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
I have two kinds of followers
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.