The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
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*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler