*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
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Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.