The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
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Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
I didn’t come here to be called names
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*