I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
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The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…