I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
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Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
*puts my mental health in rice
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Sending in my taxes