when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
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If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.