I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
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#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’