ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
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Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.