[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
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Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice