12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
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I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.