My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
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Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.