There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
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You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Oh, I bet you would be
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one