*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
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Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in