*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
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I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser