Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
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Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I wish I were this cool 😂
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.